I love when other women tell me I don’t understand how flat they are. No seriously, look at my boobs. Please, just stand back while I turn sideways and prove to you that of the two of us I am the only flat chested woman here. I WILL win this competition; don’t even try to explain to me how you look smaller because you’re not as thin as I am, blahblahblah. Nope. I win. Most of the women who have forced me to play this super fun mammary gland game are a B cup. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. Ladies. I am a non-existent size. The closest “official” bra size for me is a 30AAA. How small AM I? See item #3. For obvious reasons I am not including images in this post. However, this medical website has pictures of ladies who could be my body doubles.
Here are a few things that only me, one other fully grown adult woman of my acquaintance, and pre-pubescent girls understand.
- Fashion Advice for Flat Busts is a Bust
Search Pinterest for fashion for flat breasts and it’s all about embracing the small bust and showing what you’ve got! Push up, under-wire, patterns, stripes! You’re gonna look so much bigger in this bandeau bikini top with a knot between the boobs!! OMG. NO. Why? Because you have to have something to start with. And seriously, the bandeau is a lovely style, but when there is no breast but only nipples there’s nothing to HOLD UP the bandeau. It’s wildly inconvenient.
Anything that pushes up the breast is also a no-go. Again, because there’s no breast to push around. My breasts have never met. They are strangers. So don’t tell me they can get pushed together.
- All Those Damn Articles, “9 Things Only Flat Chested Women Get”
I call bullshit. Those articles are there to make flat chested women “feel better” which is silly, but there’s no monitoring system for who is identifying as a flat chested woman and there are many impostors. The VAST majority of women who complain about being flat are in fact not actually flat. So stop trying to be flat. If you must be unhappy with your breasts, fine, but don’t belittle my reality by trying to make it yours. If you have a B cup, first of all, you don’t count as flat chested. Move along. If you are an A cup? Yeah, you have the same fit and sizing issues, but you DO have something to push around. If you are a AA or AAA you are truly flat chested so please message me and let’s start a club.
- Bra Sizes
What even. How to measure for a bra: measure around your rib cage under your bust. Ok, I got 29″. Round up to the nearest even number; ok so 30″. Now, measure around your bust across the fullest part (hit, the nipples.) My tape measure lands at 30″. Now, subtract the band measurement from the bust measurement and every inch of difference is a cup size. Awkward! I have 0 difference. Basically, I don’t qualify for a bra. I’m going to stop you right there before you start telling me how jealous you are that I don’t have to wear a bra. One words: NIPPLES. My nipples are very serious about their nippling. They look like bottle nipples. Which means I can’t get away without coverage because the nips become the ENTIRE focus of the outfit. In fact, without my nipples in the bra size measuring equation, I only get 29.5″. Even MORE awkward. I need a NEGATIVE bra.
And I don’t have to explain the frustration of band size/cup size inconsistencies to you all. You ladies who wear actual bras know even better than I about this particular fashion industry shitstorm.
- Bralettes Are TOO BIG
I only wear stretchy bralettes, because duh, how else am I going to do to cover the nips? I have these silicone nipple concealers, but they only last so long, they sometimes fall off, and they do feel strange after a while because they don’t breathe. I will confess to you that every one of my bralettes although quite lacy and stretchy have little flaps of fabric where my breasts would theoretically be. That fabric makes it look like I have something in my shirt. I’m seriously considering learning how to make my own bralettes so that they fit more comfortably.
Sport Bras. First of all, why? I don’t need it. But I will admit I like the feeling of the bra layer. You know warmth, security, and the happy knowledge that if my shirt slips I’m not show all the goods.
- I Must Want to Be Bigger
Every conversation about extreme flatness centers around breast augmentations. I couldn’t find ONE on-line conversation about women who are a 30AA/AAA who were talking about LOVING their boobs. There is forum after forum about what size should you go to, what type of implant…it makes me so annoyed. WHY DO WE NEED BIGGER BOOBS?!?! To feel more attractive. To feel more feminine. TO FEEL MORE VALUABLE. Sad, sad state of affairs.
- I LOVE MY FLAT CHEST!
I GENUINELY LOVE my tiny/lack of breasts. They’re my favorite. I love how they’re so small that I can give myself an exam in 3 seconds. I love how they stay in place when I dance. I love how they have just the teeniest bit of squish right over my ribs under the nipples. I love how they don’t slide around when I’m sleeping. I love that I don’t have sweaty boobs because there is no skin touching skin. I love how I look in a leotard. I love how clothing falls against my body. I love that they don’t jiggle while I snowboard. I LOVE MY BOOBS! They’re little gifts from genetics. I wish I could transfer this love to all the flat girls out there. Because I know you exist.
There are a few down sides that are not a big deal but I would like to have other people acknowledge them. Pretty bra and underwear sets? They don’t exist for me. Strapless anything? Begging for a wardrobe malfunction. Gowns or anything with boning or darts fit oddly. Oddly here meaning as it would fit on a 10 year old. Swimsuits have awkward extra fabric on the chest. But, hey. It is what it is and it’s ok because I like my chest.
But please, whatever you do, don’t try to argue with me that you’re flatter than I am.